Why the relationship you have with yourself influences every other relationship in your life
Introduction
Relationships can be complicated. Few things in life bring us as much joy as the relationships we build with others, and few things can cause as much pain when they do not work out the way we hoped.
Throughout my life, I have experienced almost every type of relationship imaginable. I have had friendships that carried me through difficult times, acquaintances that changed the direction of my life, business relationships that created opportunities, and romantic relationships that taught me both valuable lessons and difficult truths. Some lasted for years. Some lasted only a season. Some strengthened me. Others challenged me in ways I was not prepared for.
The thing about relationships is that they directly influence the quality of our lives. The people we surround ourselves with impact our mindset, our habits, our beliefs, our confidence, and even the direction we travel through life. Whether we realize it or not, relationships shape who we become.
But before we talk about investing in friendships, family, romantic relationships, or professional connections, we need to start with the most important relationship of all:
The relationship we have with ourselves.
The Relationship With Yourself
Before we can invest in our relationships with others, we must first invest in the relationship we have with ourselves.
That may sound strange at first. After all, when most people think about relationships, they think about friends, family, coworkers, or romantic partners. Rarely do we stop and consider the relationship we have with the person staring back at us in the mirror each morning.
The truth is that relationship influences every other relationship in our lives.
I know for years I really disliked the person I saw in the mirror. After all, I knew his every thought and the reason behind every action he took. That is the thing about the relationship we have with ourselves: there is nowhere to hide from the truth. We can fool other people. We can justify our choices. We can make excuses. But at the end of the day, we know whether we are living in alignment with our values or not.
Looking back, much of that discomfort came from a lack of self-respect. And when we do not respect ourselves, we often tolerate disrespect from others. If we do not value ourselves, we seek validation from people who have not earned the right to give it. If we do not trust ourselves, we constantly look to others to make decisions for us.
The way we think about ourselves influences the standards we set, the boundaries we establish, and the people we allow into our lives.
For years, I struggled with this concept. Like many people, I spent time looking outward for things that could only be built internally. I wanted respect before I had earned my own. I wanted confidence before I had developed competence. I wanted fulfillment without first doing the work required to become someone I could genuinely be proud of.
What I eventually learned is that self-respect is not something you find. It is something you build.
You build it every time you keep a promise to yourself.
You build it every time you do the right thing when no one is watching.
You build it every time you choose discipline over comfort, responsibility over excuses, and growth over complacency.
Confidence is not created by positive thinking alone. Confidence is created through evidence. It is built through actions repeated consistently over time.
Every workout completed, every commitment honored, every difficult conversation faced, and every setback endured becomes proof that you are capable of more than you once believed.
Over time, those actions begin to change the way you see yourself. They become evidence that you can trust yourself to do what you say you will do.
It took years of hard work before I could look in the mirror while brushing my teeth at night and feel proud of the man looking back at me. On the nights I actually remembered to brush them.
The relationship we have with ourselves is also reflected in the way we speak to ourselves. Many people would never speak to a friend the way they speak to themselves after making a mistake. They magnify their failures, minimize their accomplishments, and allow a single setback to define their identity.
Growth requires honesty, but honesty and self-condemnation are not the same thing.
We should be willing to acknowledge our flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses. In fact, personal responsibility requires it. However, we should also recognize that mistakes are events, not identities. Failure is something we experience. It is not who we are. Yet sometimes it is easier to accept our failures as part of our identity than it is to do the work necessary to change.
When we begin treating ourselves with both accountability and respect, something powerful happens. We stop looking for other people to complete us. We stop expecting others to fix problems that belong to us. We stop making relationships responsible for providing what should already exist within us.
One of the best books I have read on this subject is Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima. The book explores the connection between self-worth, confidence, and the tendency to seek validation from external sources. One of its most valuable lessons is that our value does not come from other people’s opinions, achievements, or approval. It comes from recognizing our own worth and learning to trust ourselves.
Healthy relationships are built between two whole people, not two people hoping the other will fill a void.
That is why investing in yourself is not selfish. It is one of the most important investments you can make. The stronger your relationship with yourself becomes, the stronger every other relationship in your life has the potential to be.
Emotional Investment
Physical health influences how we feel. Mental growth influences how we think. Emotional health influences how we respond.
Life has a way of testing us. Things rarely go exactly according to plan. Relationships end. Opportunities fall apart. Businesses struggle. People disappoint us. We make mistakes. We experience setbacks that we never saw coming.
The question is not whether adversity will find us. The question is how we will respond when it does.
For much of my life, I allowed emotions to dictate my decisions. If I was frustrated, I reacted. If I was discouraged, I withdrew. If I was angry, I looked for someone or something to blame. Other times, I made excuses for others and accepted blame that was not mine because, deep down, I already hated myself. It was easier to believe I deserved the pain than to believe I deserved better.
Like many people, I spent years believing that my feelings accurately reflected reality. I lived a reactive lifestyle.
What I eventually learned is that feelings are real, but they are not always reliable. In fact, they rarely have been in my life.
Our emotions provide valuable information, but they do not always tell us the truth. Our emotions are tied to our beliefs, our desires, and our perspectives, not always to reality.
Our emotions provide valuable information, but they do not always tell us the truth. Our emotions are ties to our beliefs, our desires, and our perspectives and not always to the truth.
Fear can convince us that we are incapable when we are fully capable. Doubt can convince us to quit when success may be just beyond the next challenge. Anger can convince us that retaliation is justified when patience would serve us better. Sadness can convince us that a difficult season will last forever when, in reality, it is only temporary.
One of the most important lessons I have learned is that emotional maturity is not the absence of emotion. Emotional maturity is the ability to experience emotions without allowing them to control your actions.
There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointment, grief, frustration, or fear. Those emotions are part of the human experience. The danger comes when we allow temporary emotions to make permanent decisions.
The emotionally healthy person is not someone who never struggles. It is someone who can acknowledge what they feel while remaining committed to their values, responsibilities, and long-term goals.
This is where resilience is built.
Resilience is not created when life is easy. It is created when life is difficult and we choose to keep moving forward anyway.
Every setback contains a lesson.
Every disappointment contains an opportunity for growth.
Every challenge gives us the chance to become stronger, wiser, and more capable than we were before.
That does not mean we should ignore pain or pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. It means we learn to process difficult emotions without becoming trapped by them.
Some of the most important growth in my life came from experiences I would never choose to repeat. Failures taught me humility. Mistakes taught me accountability. Heartbreak taught me perspective. Adversity taught me resilience.
Looking back, many of the experiences I once viewed as obstacles became some of my greatest teachers. Pain, after all, is often life’s greatest catalyst for change.
Emotional investment requires us to do the difficult work of understanding ourselves. It requires honesty about our strengths and weaknesses. It requires us to confront the stories we tell ourselves and question whether they are actually true.
Most importantly, it requires us to recognize that while we cannot always control what happens to us, we can control how we respond.
And over time, those responses become our character.
Romantic Relationships
Few things in life have the ability to bring us as much joy—or as much pain—as romantic relationships.
Throughout my life, I have experienced relationships that were healthy and relationships that were not. I have experienced connection, heartbreak, hope, disappointment, and everything in between. If I am going to be completely honest I am not sure I can honestly say I have experienced real connection. I have had moments of feeling in sync with my partner but they were always brief and incomplete. They were based on shared moments and never true understanding. For a long time, I believed that finding the right person would somehow complete me or fill the areas of my life that felt empty.
What I eventually learned is that no relationship can do that.
Healthy relationships are not built between two people looking for someone else to fix them. They are built between two people who have taken responsibility for their own growth, healing, and happiness.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was tying too much of my self-worth to whether someone chose me. And what I have learned is that I never allowed anyone to know me well enough to truly choose me. When a relationship ended, I often viewed it as a reflection of my value rather than simply recognizing that not every relationship is meant to last forever.
Over time, I came to understand that another person’s decision does not determine my worth. Some people will walk beside us for a season. Some will stay for a lifetime. Others will leave lessons that help us become better versions of ourselves.
Investing in yourself means becoming the kind of person who can participate in a healthy relationship rather than depending on a relationship to make you whole. It means developing confidence, emotional maturity, self-respect, and purpose before asking another person to share their life with you.
Ironically, the healthier my relationship with myself became, the healthier my relationships with others became as well. I stopped looking for someone to complete me and started looking for someone who could walk beside me while we both continued to grow. IU started to want to be the one that could be there for her. I started wanting to understand rather than be understood.
The strongest relationships are not built on need. They are built on mutual respect, trust, shared values, and two people who have already learned how to stand on their own.
Some relationships help us grow. Others teach us lessons through pain. While those lessons are not always pleasant, they are often valuable. One of the hardest truths to accept is that not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people enter our lives for a season. Some enter for a reason,
Some remain for a lifetime.
The value of a relationship should not be measured solely by its duration. Many relationships leave lasting lessons even when they do not become permanent.
Sometimes relationships teach us about patience. Sometimes they teach us about forgiveness. Sometimes they teach us about boundaries. Sometimes they teach us about self-worth. And sometimes they teach us that walking away is healthier than staying. And sometimes letting go actually allows the relationship the room it needs to grow.
The end of a relationship does not automatically mean it was a failure. If it helped us grow, gain perspective, or better understand ourselves, there may still be value in the experience.
Ultimately, healthy romantic relationships are not built on dependency. They are built on partnership. Two people choosing to walk through life together. Two people supporting one another’s growth. Two people bringing value to each other’s lives while remaining responsible for their own happiness, choices, and personal development. The strongest relationships are not built by people looking for someone to complete them. They are built by people who are already committed to becoming the best version of themselves and choose to share that journey with someone else